


walking the line between faith and fear

by bbuckyy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Coming Out, Slurs, Some minor spoilers, Trans Duck Newton, Vignettes, Wigs, danbrey is pretty background, deadname, don't really know where this is going so far but what happens happens, somewhat canon compliant, somewhat minor indruck we'll see how it plays out, takes place after the finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-17 23:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbuckyy/pseuds/bbuckyy
Summary: Duck was alright. More surprised than anything, really. People in this line of work usually don’t last this long. People like him usually don’t last this long, either, especially around these parts.Duck's life as told through some major and minor vignettes.(title and chapter titles from "we're all in this thing together" by old crow medicine show)
Relationships: Dani/Aubrey Little, Indrid Cold/Duck Newton, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	1. prologue

God, how things have changed. Duck Newton is sitting in a plush leather armchair in the lobby of Amnesty Lodge, surrounded by people he hardly knew existed a year ago. So many friends he’d made. One he’d lost. Duck looks to his left to see Aubrey and Dani on the couch next to him, Aubrey’s head on her girlfriend’s shoulder as they read a book together. _Interview With the Vampire_. How fitting. Behind him, Jake Coolice shouts into the kitchen for Barclay to “really make sure you season the damn burgers this time, big guy!” In front of him, Indrid and Deputy Dewey play a game of Gin Rummy in front of the fireplace, expertly lit by the Lady Flame herself. The air is filled with the smell of angus beef burgers and the sound of Moira playing _Fur Elise_ and Minerva and Leo duelling in the back courtyard by the hot spring. Duck absentmindedly picks at a hangnail on his calloused hands while he surveys his surroundings, and Mama places a firm, gentle hand on his shoulder from behind.

“How you doin’, Ranger?” Duck looks up to see a gentle smile on her face as she looks down on him.

He thinks for a moment before speaking: “Good, Mama. I’m damn tired, but I’m good.”

“You sure about that? You look farther away than Sylvain, for Pete’s sake.”

“I’m just thinkin’, Mama, that’s all.” He trails off momentarily. “Just thinkin’.”

Aubrey looks up from her and Dani’s book to tell Mama “He sure is thinking, I can smell the smoke from here!” Duck scoffs with a smile as he flips her off like a teenager.

Duck was being honest, he _is_ good, no matter how much he feels like he shouldn’t be. He lost a friend not three months ago, a friend for whom he was still grieving. Aside from that, though, Duck was alright. More surprised than anything, really. People in this line of work usually don’t last this long. People like him usually don’t last this long, either, especially around these parts.


	2. you sound nervous, you seem alone

Duck stood in his cramped bathroom staring in the mirror, hair clippers buzzing in his hand. One more deep breath as he glanced at the sink below him, littered with his sister’s hair ties and cheap makeup. One more deep breath before- bzzz! A lock of hair about nine inches long fell to the floor. _Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. No. No turning back now_. He dragged the clippers across his scalp once more, shaving the sides and back of his head so the hair there was no longer than half an inch long. He went back to the top of his head with kitchen scissors and shaped the hair into a messy crew cut, heart pounding in his ears the whole time. He stared down at the linoleum tile around his feet when he finished, covered with thick strands of mousy brown hair. He started to panic until he looked back up into the mirror, seeing his terribly shaven, hurriedly trimmed, beautiful new haircut. He ran his fingers through his hair and breathed a sound of relief.

 _Knock knock knock_. “Lynn! Mom says if you don’t get out of the bathroom in two minutes she’ll throw your dinner in the disposal!” _Fuck_.

“Uh, okay Jane, I’m coming!” Duck grabbed handfuls of his hair off the floor and threw them haphazardly into the trash can. There was no time to think of an excuse, only to focus on not blowing chunks into the toilet. He slowly opened the bathroom door, almost thinking that he’d be caught sooner if the door creaked. After looking over his shoulder at least three times, Duck headed down the shag carpet-covered stairs to have a completely uneventful dinner with his wonderful, loving family.

Barbara Newton screamed as she dropped a plate full of meatloaf and mashed potatoes onto the kitchen floor. Duck’s father, Frank, shot up from his leather armchair in response to his wife’s scream as his mother rushed over to her son and grasped at hair that was no longer on his head.

“Lynn! What in heaven’s name happened to your beautiful hair?” Her eyes started to well up with tears as his dad stood back in the dining room in shock.

“I- you see it- some kid stuck some peanut bu- some gum in it- and I had to- I had to cut it off, you see. And the real funny thing is, once I cut that part out, uh, shoot- I couldn’t just have one piece of short hair- and then it turned out there was more… gum. Shoot, yeah, more gum in it, so I just had to… had to cut it… all… off.” Duck was about as good as lying as he was at amateur hairstyling, and as his story went on, his mother only became more distraught. Frank laid a cautious hand on his wife’s shoulder, and she shook her head as she pushed the tears off her face.

“Lynn Heather Newton, we are taking you to a hairdresser first thing tomorrow morning and we are getting you a wig!” Barbara pointed directly at Duck, threatening him with all her might.

“Mom, it’s really not that bad-”

“Barbie, we can figure this out-” Duck and his father spoke over each other in protest, Duck wanting to keep his hair, Frank only thinking about how expensive a decent wig would be.

Barbara wasn’t having any of it. “No. My word is final. I will not have my eldest daughter traipsing around like some kind of dyke and putting our family to shame.”

“Mom, I think you’re being a little unfair,” Jane started to step towards her mother before being cut off.

“I won’t hear it, Jane!” She turned back towards Duck, softening and approaching him, arms open. “Oh, Lynny, it’s alright. Soon your hair will be back to normal, and you’ll be all pretty again.”

That’s when Duck snapped. He pushed himself out of his mother’s arms aggressively. “Mom, I like my hair this way. I don’t want a stupid wig just ‘cause you don’t think it looks good.”

“Lynn, sweetie, don’t be ridiculous. Why would you want such a masculine cut? You’re being silly.” Her voice grew more stern as she went on.

“It’s not silly, Mom! I like it like this!”

“Lynn, that’s enough. You’re a young lady and it’s time you start acting like one.”

 _Ding_.

“Well what if I don’t want to be a young lady?!” Duck screamed at the top of his lungs and the earth stood still. Barbara straightened her posture.

“Lynn, we are going to the hairdresser tomorrow whether you like it or not, and in the meantime, you’re going to up to your room without supper and pray with all your might that God forgives you for treating your mother like this.”

Duck’s vision went foggy with tears and he slowly retreated back up the stairs, hearing his parents whisper behind him and something about “ _Jane, don’t follow her_ ”.

For the next five years, until he was eighteen and moved out, Duck kept his hair long, with a wig at first, then naturally once his hair had grown out.

The second he moved into his first apartment, he bought a pair of hair clippers.


	3. there's a picture in a mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important to note that no matter how you picture duck, the duck in this fic is CHUBBY

Duck and Indrid had been… together for a few weeks now. “Together” might not be the right word for it, they had just been spending more time than usual together and had done an awful lot of making out.

One thing led to another when Indrid stepped into Duck’s apartment: first Duck warming Indrid’s hands with his own, then breathing on them, then kissing them, then kissing something else, eventually leading to Indrid guiding Duck’s hands over the hem of his tank top as he slowly pulled it over his head. Duck felt Indrid smirk against his neck while he pressed kisses into his shoulder, stroking Indrid’s cold, thin arms with his callused hands. Indrid began to tug at the collar of Duck’s shirt, already having undone half the buttons by the time Duck even noticed, helping Indrid with the remaining fastenings. It wasn’t until Indrid had slid his hands under Duck’s undershirt that Duck retreated from Indrid’s lips and pulled his hands out from under his shirt.

“Duck, I’m sorry, I- am I moving too fast?” Indrid spoke calmly and clearly, as if nothing remotely out of the ordinary was happening at all.

“No!” Duck hurried to correct the awkward tension in the air. “No, you’re fine, I just… I wasn’t expectin’ it, is all. Here, I’ll-” Duck pulled his undershirt over his head, revealing his secrets to the world.

Indrid’s demeanor instantly shifted when he noticed the scars running below Duck’s nipples. “Duck, I- did something happen? Are you alright?” He hesitated at first, then gently lay his frigid fingers against the scars.

“Yeah, ‘Drid, I’m fine.” He chewed his words before spitting them out, “I’m- I’m trans.”

“Trans… what? Transatlantic?” Indrid, strangely sincere, cocked his head and furrowed his brow behind his round glasses. Duck couldn’t help but chuckle.

“No, I- transgender. Like, I didn’t used to be… a man.” Duck had known for a long time that that analogy wasn’t quite an accurate description of his experiences, but he knew that that was what cisgender people tended to understand best, and he didn’t want to further complicate things by discussing the semantics of his gender exploration.

“I- I don’t understand. Are you not a man now?”

“Oh you fuckin’ bet’cha I’m a man now!” Duck chuckled, “I’ve paid probably $10,000 to be a man!” He studied Indrid’s face as best he could with the glasses in his way before softening a bit. “You really don’t know what I’m talkin’ about do you?”

Indrid slowly shook his head. “No, I’m afraid I don’t.”

“I… I was born as a woman- as a girl, I mean. And I still sorta am one in the… nether regions, I guess. But for some of us humans, the software don’t exactly match the hardware, if you know what I’m saying.” Indrid smiled slightly, but didn’t drop his confused expression. “After a while I realized that bein’ a girl just wasn’t for me, so I, y’know, chopped off all my hair and changed my name and I… I had this done.” He gestured towards the scars on his chest. “I used to have… breasts. I had ‘em, y’know, removed. For the sake of my own comfort.” Duck desperately studied Indrid’s face, trying to find some indication of his reaction behind his spectacles.

“I think I understand…” Indrid took a cautious step towards Duck. “Sylphs… we don’t really have the same relationship with our own bodies as humans do. I suppose I most comfortably fit within the human male identity when I have to be human, but as my… well, as myself, there isn’t really such a thing as what you’d likely consider maleness. I didn’t realize that this sort of thing was so important to humans.”

“Not to… intrude on your thing or whatever, but didn’t- didn’t you see this comin’? Like, with your… y’know…” Duck pointed at Indrid’s glasses as they both let out light laughs.

“I try not to look at futures that involve more personal developments in time. Life-threatening altercations and timeline-altering events are important for me to witness and catalogue, but I find that both I and the people around me find relationships to be more meaningful if I don’t know who a person is before I get to know them.”

Indrid slowly traced Duck’s scars, looking up into his eyes for approval after a few moments. “It’s okay. To be honest, I can’t really feel ‘em much.”

Indrid continued to follow the lines, moving his hands up to Duck’s shoulders, then down to his hands, never looking away from the scars. “Did it… hurt?”

“Oh yeah, hurt like a sum’bitch, but it was worth it. Couldn’t lift my arms higher than about shoulder height for almost a month.” He chuckled lightly.

Indrid moved his right hand up to Duck’s jaw, rubbing his thumb over the mousy brown scruff that speckled his lower face. “My apologies if I’m being intrusive or insensitive, but how can you grow a beard? And your voice is certainly…” Indrid’s thought faded into a shy laugh.

“You’re good, ‘Drid. I take, uh, hormones to balance everything out the way I want to. I do an injection every other week.”

“Hmm. Well, it definitely seems to be, uh… working.” Indrid popped his eyebrows above his glasses as he smirked suggestively.

“God, shut the fuck up.” Duck grabbed Indrid’s cheeks and shoved their faces together, kissing him with a force they hadn’t quite reached before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not entirely happy with this, but my adhd is burning me alive and if i don't post this now i'll criticize it until i implode.


End file.
